Dr Yoki, Sex Therapist
by The Purple Bunny
Summary: Team 7 seem to be having some problems, so Kakashi sends them to a therapist to work out their problems, too bad he sends them to the wrong kind of therapist... somewhat of a crackfic


Author's Note: Hey guys, I'm taking a tiny break from my "Jude the Narutard" and I am also making another Mary Sue guide for Harry Potter, which will come later…

Right now, since I'm in writer's block a bit, and I'm bored, I made a weird little parody. I got this idea from watching this video on Youtube called "Dr. Ulee, Sex Therapist" by laimkylesullivan.

I don't care what anyone says, that video was hilarious. *grin* Anyway, Izzy and Misa presents: This weird ass parody…for YOU!

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Title: Dr. Yoki, Sex Therapist.  
Rated: T for sexual, inappropriate words and explanations.  
Summery: Team 7 isn't getting along very well, so Kakashi sends them off to a therapist to work out their problems. Too bad, he got them the wrong kind of therapist…  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Youtube.

_I really don't see why _I_ have to be here?_ Sakura thought, as Team 7 sat down at the waiting room. Some calming music played from somewhere, but the three really had no idea where it was coming from. _Sasuke and Naruto were the one arguing 24/7..._ Sakura sighed, maybe Kakashi send her along to make sure Naruto and Sasuke don't end up killing each other. But really who knows…

A few minutes went by, Naruto stared at the _Daily Konoha_ newspaper, that was at least two weeks old. Sasuke sat with his head down, and his eyes closed, in deep thought. Sakura sat, staring at Sasuke the whole time.

"Ahem!" the sound of the secretary clearing her throat, shook the three from their thoughts, and cause them to turn their attention to her.

It was a tall busty woman, with a ugly brown suit, and she was wearing her hair in a tight bun, and tiny glasses. Her whole outfit was just plain weird, Team 7 never seen anyone dressed like that before, so they give extra weird looks.

"Yes, yes…" The woman eyed the three closely, then she bowed. "Come on in, Yoki-sensei will see you now…" Team 7 sat up, and followed the woman, down the hall next to the waiting room. She lead them down the long hall, till they reached the end of it, where there was a long, tall brown door. On the door, there was a silver plate, with the words: _Dr. Yoki, Sex Therapist. _written on it.

"Uhh…" Naruto read the plate, "Where are we-"

"Ok, the doctor will see you now!" The woman stood aside, pointing to the office door. "Go on, go on!" The three hurried along, pushing the door open, and walking inside a small cozy looking place.

"Huh?" Naruto looked around, the walls were light brown, there were paintings of different kinds of hentai, in frames, on the wall. In front of the team, were three chairs, on the right side of it was a tiny table filled with magazines and pamphlets.

"Come in…" said a dull voice, behind them. The team turned to see a tall man, standing beside the door. He had beady black eyes, and mousy black hair. "Sit down," He ordered, his voice duller than before. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura glared at the man walking over to a big armchair, in front of the three smaller ones, then glared at each other.

The man cleared his throat. "Please, take your seat," He repeated, taking his seat on the big armchair in front of them.

One quick look at each other, before they decided to sit down too.

"Ok…" The man said, "My name is Dr. Yoki, but you may call me Yoki-sensei," the doctor pulled out a pen and a notepad, coping something inside, "So…what seems to be the problem?"

"Well," Sakura started, "You see, Naruto and Sasuke-" but she couldn't continue her sentence as Dr. Yoki began to cough pretty roughly, up to the point where he was hacking up phlegm. "Oh, I should really stop smoking…" He said, coughing into his tissue. "Oh…_ahem_…I'm sorry, please continue." The three sat there, waiting for the man to finish coughing. Sakura continued, "Naruto and Sasuke seem to be fighting, and having problems, every time we-"

"Have you ever tired something new?" Dr. Yoki interrupted once more, coping something else on his notepad.

"What…do you mean?"

"Maybe you are using the same technique over and over again, you should try something new." Dr. Yoki marked inside his notepad, before turning back up to Sakura.

"You mean training?" said Sakura,

"Training?" Dr. Yoki raised an eyebrow, "If that's what you call it, then sure, 'training'."

The three stared at the therapist, while he wrote inside his notepad, hummed a tune, and coughed, which sounded like a very unpleasant tune.

"Ok, so what do you do when you are… 'training'?" The doctor looked up from his notes, his beady eyes falling onto the three.

"Well, I try to train," Naruto started, "But Sasuke keeps trying to show me up! I rued the day I become better than him, I rue it!" He stood up, punching the air, and yelling "Dattebayo!"

"Well…ok Mr. Dattebayo. Please sit down," Dr. Yoki ordered once more, gesturing to Naruto's seat. The blonde, hyperactive boy did so, whiling mumbling under his breath.

"Mhm…Mhm…" The therapist copied down his notepad once more, "Ok. So he tries to 'show you up'?"

"That's what I said, Sasuke thinks he sooo better than everyone!"

"I see…I see…"

The team waiting one more minute for Dr. Yoki, to finish up coping things in his notepad, humming, and coughing up a lung.

"So you think you are better than him, at what you do?" The therapist looked up to Sasuke, who had his arms across his chest. Sasuke just 'hmtp' and turned away.

"SEE!!" Naruto yelled, jumping up from his chair, "It's that kind of attitude that pisses me off!" He angrily points at Sasuke, his arm shaking with rage. "Do something about him, doc!"

"Hold on…let me write something down…" So then the whole 'writing down on notepad, while hacking and humming thing' continued…

"Well boys," Dr. Yoki closed his notes, "It all depends on who's better,"

"Depends?" Sakura asked, the three looked at each other once more, this doctor sure was confusing.

"Yes," Dr. Yoki turned his attention to the two boys, "How many sex partners did you two have?"

…………

"WHAT!?" Team 7 literally fell off their chairs, in surprise. Yes, including Sasuke.

"What does that have to do with anything!?" Sakura yelled, lifting her face off the ground, there was a bump on her forehead, from when she fell on her head.

"Well the one who had sex the most is bound to be a little better than the other,"

Awkward moment here. The three were still on the ground, staring up at the therapist, who just sat there, waiting for their reactions.

"But-"

"Now, now. I don't want any of you two boys making fun of each other's girlfriend, calling them bad in bed, so you can get the upper hand. Let this be a good clean argument…" The therapist got up from his hair, reached out to his desk, and pulled out a wooden ruler. "Now drop down your pants so we can measure penises, the bigger you are, the more pleasure you'll give your woman." The beady eyed, dull man smiled, a smile so creepy, that it made the three shiver.

"I'm not dropping my pants for anyone!" yelled Naruto, folding his arms. "Especially creepy old guys like you!"

"Oh, but Mr. Dattebayo, I'm a sex therapist, how else am I going to solve the problems of your sex life, if you don't let me find out what's wrong?"

"And for that you need to measure us?" Sasuke finally said, after a long period of not talking.

"Like I said, the bigger you are, the more pleasure. It also depends how thick you are…"

The three turned wide eyed. Too much info. Dr. Yoki just smiled, holding up the ruler to his face. "Well who wants to go first?"

Sasuke and Naruto didn't answer, they looked away, hoping to avoid eye contact and being called on.

"Ahh, no takers eh?" said the therapist, "Well how bout this? Why won't you tell me about the first time you two ever made love with a woman,"

…Even more awkward silence.

"I'm not going to tell you about my sex life!" Naruto yelled,

"You don't even have a sex life, dobe," Sasuke said,

"Like you have one either, teme,"

"Well if I did-"

"Wait, wait!" Dr. Yoki blew on a whistle, so loud and high-pitched, that it shook the team's ears. "So…you never had sex before?" The three shook their heads real fast, that their faces blurred.  
"Unbelievable! I had to cancel a lunch date with a extremely hot lady for this!" The man's face had a sour expression, it was red with fury, and he made a growling noise - which ended in less a second and had transformed into a friendly looking face, with a nice smile. "Oh well, I guess it's ok," Dr. Yoki sat down on his armchair, "Also, you three are technically beginners, so I'll give you a few pointers," With another friendly smile, he pulled out a couple of pamphlets from the small table, handing the three each one pamphlet. "This will teach you about the dangers of STDs and pregnancy, so it's important to always use condoms," Dr. Yoki pulled out two small black squares from his pockets, handing one each to Sasuke and Naruto. "Always wear these when having sex - and they are blueberry flavored!"

"Why are they flavored?" Naruto asked, staring at the condom,"For when whoever is giving you oral, they will taste blueberry, and the sex will be a tiny bit more enjoyable."

Wide eyes again. "Uhh…how do you put this on?" Naruto ripped open the black square, to reveal a blue condom. "Is this some sort of balloon or something?"

"No, no. You slip it on your penis,"

"Oh!" Naruto unzipped his pants,

"No, child! Not right now, but when you have sex! Condoms are for protections. Although they CAN rip, but it's still worth a try," The therapist smiled, the three still stared.

Sakura looked down at the pamphlet, entitled: _Sex tips, for beginners. _She opened it and began to read, "Uh…oh my!" she slammed the pamphlet shut, with her face as red as a cherry tomato. "They have pictures…" She said, quietly, a tiny bit a blood flowing down from her left nostril.

"Whoa, lemme see!" Naruto reached across from him, grabbing Sakura's pamphlet from her hand, forgetting he had his own,

"Gah, Naruto, get off of me!" She yelled, grabbing her pamphlet back,

"I just wanna see!"

"Pervert!"

The two were struggling and with over the pamphlet. Sasuke just sat there, ignoring them, while looking out the window thinking about god-knows-what.

_Rrriiipp!_ "Ahh!" The whole room looked down on the ripped, and now useless pamphlet, laying on the ground.

"Look what you did?!" yelled Sakura,

"Wha-? You didn't even like that pamphlet, you could've just let me read it!"

"NO! Don't be such a perv!"

"I wasn't, I was just wondering what kind of pictures they had!-" The high pitched, loud whistle blew, hurting the ears of the three, once more.

"That's enough! I have more!" Dr. Yoki flew up from his armchair, flinging his arms around, "Please calm down,"

Naruto and Sakura mumbled under their breaths, taking their seats.

"Now…" Dr. Yoki looked at the clock on the wall of his left, "We have ten more minutes left, any questions that might have you youngsters curious about the opposite gender's body?" The three shook their head,

"…Well I'll explain anyway!" and for the next ten minutes, there was talk about penises, vaginas, seamen, vibrating dildos, and all that sort.

When their time was up, Team 7 knew more about sex more than a porn star did.

-- "So, how was it?" said Kakashi, nothing taking his eyes of his book, as the team did their D rank mission of cleaning someone's yard. The team didn't say anything.  
"Is something wrong?" No responses. "Did the therapist do anything bad to you?"

Silently and slowly, the team looked up to their sensei. "…He asked as to drop down our pants," said Naruto, "So he can measure mine and Sasuke's penises,"  
"…Whaaat!?"  
"Apparently, the bigger you are, the more pleasure." The team continued to clean up the yard, leaving Kakashi dumbstruck.

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Izzy and Misa here.  
How weird was this fic? I probably said something things that shouldn't have been said. *smiles*  
A lot of TMI. But maybe some of you are used to it, I don't know. Feel free to sue me for scarring you for life, I already scarred Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura *nervous smile* Thanks for reading!


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